(350) – Life At Home

Did I ever mention why having kids confuses me? Did I ever mention the downside of living with the family?

It’s 6 a.m. I am so frustrated, pissed off and struggling with my rage. I only slept 4 hours this night, thanks to my elder brother who shares the room with me; he’s making my sleeping habits suffer to the max because “I’m so grumpy” as he states.

The problem starts with me; I’m a very light sleeper but I’m improving and trying to avoid some external stimulus such as light and all kinds of noise. However, there’s a couple of things that still get on my nerves and will never be tolerated; scents in particular.

My brother is the kind of guy who does not understand through listening anymore; he has to go through whatever experience to learn the lesson or you’ll have to be harsh with him and that’s where I come in. He likes to be good looking so he does iron his clothes early in the morning next to me making all that barely audible yet extremely noisy sounds of whatever he’s touching. Oh, first things first, his alarm goes off on time to which he never responds, so it’s actually pointless. He starts coughing badly when he gets up due to the cigarettes he smokes everyday. Wearing his clothes, if and only if it’s all ready -if not, that’d be another long post to explain- putting hair gel or cream; it’s perfumed and the perfume goes directly to my brain cells through my nose and that’s enough to wake me up mentally even if the body doesn’t respond.

After work, he takes a long nap -though he doesn’t want to but can’t control himself- which means he’ll stay up till the late hours, wakes up late next morning and so on. Whether it’s day or night, morning or evening, he’s rowdy, clamorous and much more that I can’t cover!

For the past 10 days, my mom was travelling and I had to take care of the household chores; it’s tough, tough, tough and unfair to the parents. Parents do like the stuff, at least sometimes, but I find it so selfish of the kids to take their parents’ lives for granted and not give a damn.

Self-management is such an act of daily investments, a bit by bit. I’ve been trying to tell my brother, to make him understand the things we as a family ask from him, to help him be more disciplined in his life and not doing what annoys the others or opposes their freedom. Honestly, he’s trying to improve but not doing his best. I do blame him yet so emotional to take a severe action and change things by force. Success, I believe, starts from within ourselves and discipline is a big part of it.

(349) – Irreplaceable

My dad is not my favorite man, he’s not my idol or godfather, I’d always find something new to dislike about him and the ones that follow my blog know that but things changed when I started working with him where I was able to see things from a different angle, to look at how my dad treats people outside and how they respond to him. I actually had an opportunity to discover new sides of my dad’s character. Well, it didn’t take long until I got used to that and was back to my old critics and judgments.

Nonetheless, it still feels different sometimes when I’m more patient and considerate. Two months ago, my dad traveled to Jeddeh to do some work there, he was supposed to stay for a month when his boss extended his visa for another month. My mom decided to take a vacation and went there to spend the last 10 days with my dad. The first surprise hit me when my dad told me that he won’t come back and his staying there will be extended again for at least 2 months; I did not know what happen; well, I missed him, a little bit! Today, I discovered it was all a joke when he showed up with mom at the arrivals building. Something strange occurred, I held my dad tightly and insisted on loving him, I kissed him a couple of times before let go of him and was really happy to see him and mom. At the beginning, I was kind of skeptical to show my love for him, to show that I really miss his existence among us and that he truly means a big thing in our family.

We came back home, my brothers welcomed us and still I felt weak or vulnerable or whatever kind of feeling that made me hug my dad again and personally tell him that I miss him. We stayed up together unwrapping the gifts and talking about almost everything when suddenly I played a song by Fairouz that made me shed a few tears…

Parents are irreplaceable; no matter how good or bad they are, tough or relentless, they are still our parents and nothing will ever make up for their love and care… I truly am for all the times that I’d lost my nerves and got pissed off at my parents, it happens but I hope no more.

I am glad my parents had fun, lots of fun and good times together. I hope I can keep them happy for good and help them travel even more to see even nicer cities and countries. Thank God, they’ve got what they want and tonight it feels like everything has paid off!


(348) – The Apocalypse

Back when I was a kid, my dad and teachers used to tell us a lot of stories about the end of the world and the things that are going to happen as mentioned in the Quran as well as Hadith; the difficulty of the situation, the astonishment on everyone’s face and the unbelievably horrible events of that particular day. Well, it made me somehow look forward to that day to witness all of this, to see with my naked eyes what it means and how bad things are going to be.

I don’t actually deny any of what I’ve been taught but my point of view has now changed and I can or at least am trying to see things differently. God created this planet, found life on it and sent us here on a mission. He also put so many pleasures and joys yet rules on how to make the best out of everything available. Well, things got quite complicated all over the past endless years and life has changed so many times, either spiritually or even the tangible stuff, the physical things like biology.

Oh, I digress. What I’m trying to focus on is some people’s attitude toward this day, the end of the world. I have no idea why some of us are somehow trying to rush things; I can’t see a good point of such intentions and why being so negative about it. I mean if you can’t just live, then let live. We are created to enjoy, to love,to have fun and be happy. You can’t judge others presuming they’re wrong and act like you’ll win it all. There are so many things to discover and realize about life and existence, that all has something to do with your role here on earth because if you think you’re not going to be judged for the time wasted here, then I suppose you’re wrong.

One of my friends actually pushed my buttons tonight after he mentioned the end of the worlds as if he was looking forward to it to get what he has in mind neglecting the fact that he’s still here in a good shape to go after his dreams and make them come true. I was trying to see the world through his eyes if he were rich; would he be thinking about the same thing? about taking revenge or sorry letting God take revenge of his enemies on his own? I am saying that with such good intentions, I’m not perfect and get pissed off as well as angry so many times on so many things but the point is that we have power, strength beyond our imagination, life is good and worth living so why wasting time blaming others and waiting for things to happen to us?

I don’t know what kind of experiences people go through that make them so negative and grumpy. It must be hard, and I pray to God to keep us all fine and help us enjoy our times here but I am trying to help, to deliver a message, to open some eyes…

(347) – A Little Theory

Sometimes I’m reminded of this little theory that I developed over the years of which I’m still not sure whether it’s true or it’s just my unintentional belief in it that makes it true. I feel like everyone of us has a certain amount of good times and bad times during the day so if you laugh a lot in the morning, that means your evening may not be as enjoyable.

Well, I never told anybody about that. However, when I did confide to my sister last week, she threw a quick judgmental comment on me “Ahmed, you’re insane!”… what? NO, i’m not, it’s just a feeling and it happened to me just the same day I revealed my little theory to her.

Well, because it could always be worse, things actually get a little bit crazier in my mind; it’s said “nothing worth having comes easy”, that freaks me out… why? why the heck it can’t just come easy to us? why do we have to struggle to get what we want and what we like? I know we’d appreciate it better, way better when it takes more effort but it still can come easily yet so highly appreciated, right?

My friend and I were talking the other day about me getting a job and I told him I don’t want to do what every other guy in my age does to get the job because simply I’m not them and they’re not me, I mean I don’t have to struggle as much to get a job; we have different beliefs, yet different destinies! The idea sometimes strikes me; will I ever be as good as my friends are if I don’t do the same things they’ve all done?! It’s that awkward moment when doubt begins to creep in!

I am sometimes a little afraid to enjoy my craziness to the max, it makes me feel like I have to stop that and thank God for such good times but in fact, I do thank God every second and appreciate all His blessings, I may not be doing every thing God told me to do but I swear I love Him and want Him to only give me a chance, help me bring out the best in me and to give me time as well as good health to do everything I have in mind.

Toady, I believe we are blessed and we all should or must be happy not because it’s a good thing but the reason simply is that we were never created to grieve or dwell on bad times. Our inner strength, beliefs and determination accompanied with God’s will have the power to transform our lives to something marvelous and magical that never happened before…

(346) – My Bad Experience At The Gym

I don’t know whether or not I should be sharing this story in public because my friends and people are beginning to read my blog and the thing I’m going to talk about today is somehow not acceptable though it’s a fact.

5 years ago, I decided to start working out at the gym, lifting weights and build a muscular strong body. I admired the idea of a well-shaped as well as good-looking body and that was one of the reasons, so I started exercising without a second thought of what’s coming next. Honestly, it was such a new experience because at the gym you get to discover new limits of your abilities and it’s a good measure to someone’s determination.

However, I had a problem, some call it a problem and some not but for me it was and still is a problem. I am addicted to masturbation; yes, I’m a man of an aroused fantasy and for some reason this is not a good thing to brag about. It usually takes 3 – 4 months at the gym to notice the difference and your muscles actually start to grow up noticeably. I’d been there for 10 months and could barely see a slight difference. Well, the only thing I was doing wrong or let’s say obsessively was masturbation; many friends of mine disagreed with the idea saying this is something natural and there’s no study that’s proven it’s right or wrong but I did read once that it drains the body from the protein needed to build the muscles. Plus, we all know that it takes a lot of energy to masturbate even more than real sex and that was it; I’ve been battling with this since then.

Last month I decided again to go back to the gym again, face my fears and try to control this little annoying habit. I gave in, easily. I could not stop myself, I was having a hard time avoiding the entire idea of not doing it when I suddenly realized how much I need to do it differently this time so I won’t fail, I mean there must be something wrong with what I do as an individual because after all I read in books about self-management and the daily motivation I truly enjoy, I can’t seem to help myself out, there must to be something wrong, this can’t keep damaging me for good, it’s time to stand up for myself and that’s what I have been struggling with for quite a long time…

I have the time and a real intention to succeed, to overcome my inner fears of failure at the gym again. I want it so bad yet so afraid of another withdrawal in a week or maybe less!

So… Ok, I’m going to do it differently this time. To be continued…

(344) – Two Wolves – Book Review

“Opening the floodgates to the depths of your heart and unchaining your deepest secrets can stir up some conflict in your life.”

“No matter what happens, you can teach yourself to bloom during the darkest of times, just like the midnight flower.”

“Hindsight is always 20/20, and to an extent I agree with this, but if you aren’t looking back once in a while and being honest with yourself, your vision doesn’t actually exist. Your vision can’t exist because you have absolutely no idea where you came from.”

“Life is incredibly balanced. It gives you a taste of feeling horrible about yourself so you can truly experience the warmth in your heart when you are living in the present and enjoying the path you are on.”

“Life is not a male vs. female issue. It is in fact a person to person collaboration.”

The Better Man Project is a story I’ve been following on the social networks for more than a year now and it’s actually one of my favorite pages on Facebook of all time. I don’t know Evan -the author of the book- on a personal level, we never had a chat before but I can absolutely relate to his blogs, image quotes and stories he always shares because we both have missions as well as goals to come true, we both aspire to be better and that’s how it all started.

Evan has been sharing his book online and the moment I got an email encouraging me to read the book, I said to myself “that’s enough! I’m gonna download and read the book”. It is truly life-changing, paradigm shifting and life transforming book. Even if you hadn’t been following the project from the very beginning, you can still figure out what the writer is talking about.

The first thing I admire is the title; Two Wolves. As Evan explains in his book, a wolf is fierce and can transform your life, either the good or the bad wolf, both can make quantum change to your life and lead you to a totally different place other than your wanted destiny.

The writer then starts expressing his love and admiration for writing and how helpful it is for us, people, to write on and vent to papers. Nobody is a good writer, or nobody thinks he/she is a good writer but in fact, we all can write and put our thoughts into words, you never know who’s going to like your writing style. I am not a good writer, I neither speak nor read English perfectly but I am trying and some friends do really like what they read, so it’s worth the try, trust me on that.

I loved the chapter “You Open The Door & It’s You” OMG! How can somebody come up with such a story? It’s like seeing a 10 years older version of you standing right there at your doorstep; well, would you recognize that person? would you welcome him? Would you like him? What would you want him to be like?

One of the subjects I really liked was about feminism because here in my country, there’s always a battle between males and females, who’s right and who’s wrong. Both sides become emotional and start talking aimlessly thinking the one who shuts up first is a loser and inferior. I guess if we were to focus on the mutual bonds between us and the fact that we were created to complete each other, things would be different. If we were to empathetic about each other, we would be in a totally different place today.

The ending of the book is such a great story, a personal story of the writer and how he could overcome inner fears and personal struggles after 100 days of continues effort then commitment to 12 weeks of hard work. i was moved, I was inspired and felt this flow of energy and determination flowing in my blood.

Moreover, there was a statement in the last few pages that goes “begin with the end in mind”… I am now reading a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey and this statement has been repeated over and over again in the book. I did mull it over times and times again and felt like I totally understood it after it was mentioned here right in Tow Wolves. So yes, begin with the end of mind…

(343) – Thing is…

The first thing that hit me after graduation was money; I needed the money so bad because it gives me options and a variety of things I always wanted to enjoy. Well, my dad gave me the money I needed after I worked with him at the office for almost a month which means I’m now financially secure. I also live with my family at the same house so I don’t have to worry about food or shelter which leaves me completely comfortable and restful, at least so far.

Actually, that made me consider my future and the job market in particular; I thought to myself that I don’t want to look for a job now just like my friends or people in general do here in Jordan simply because I don’t want to be like them, like anyone else. I have always been different so why can’t I just take a little rest after spending 5 years at school and just have fun 24/7.

Well, every time a friend calls me, they ask whether or not I’ve got a job and question my future plans for the job I have in mind. Honestly, I don’t share the truth with them, I am afraid of telling them that I do want to rest now and that i’m not interested in what everyone else is doing because that wouldn’t be accepted. I don’t really care if they don’t accept it yet have no idea why I just don’t tell them!

I read a lot of books and articles on general subjects including management, leadership, psychology, motivation… There’s a lot of thinking going inside my head and I feel like I’m unable to determine, to figure out if what I’m doing is right or wrong because I need to start working, I need to gain the experience, yet I don’t want to just do it for the sake of it or because I have to do it.

I don’t want it to be fear that’s holding me back or uncertainty. I don’t want to be eluding or misguiding myself not knowing what or where exactly I want to be. I don’t want to be avoiding risks and growth because I truly am not but thing is -just like everyone else- I  don’t want to be a common man…

(342) – Sometimes

Sometimes, I just feel like writing, about anything, about everything; I just grab a pen and start scribbling thinking it must be some type of art, that I might be discovered in the future or be able to improve this passion for scrawling or drawing something genuine but not yet defined.

Sometimes, I think how life would be like when I start writing, how influential I would be and the people who’d buy my books. Well, that idea does not agonize me as much as being capable of writing something marvelous. I mean I don’t think as much about writing a book but the idea that I can write a book, in a foreign language, and be able to use the words in such a curiously astonishing way.

Sometimes, I look at other people I admire, I aspire to be like and long for that day when I am the person I want to be. I look ahead to see how long the journey is, how far the dream may be but then remind myself of God’s glory and how each and everyone of us gets what we want eventually.

Sometimes, I look at other people in the streets, at the shopping mall and everywhere else and try to find my place, to really imagine where I’d be in the near future, to see what makes me different from those who work two shifts everyday or those who are doing a great physical effort to get paid, to realize why I’m different and what I should do to remain different.

Sometimes, I think I’ve got the right kind of attitude, perspective as well as purpose, that I’m on the right way and I shall succeed soon but still I think I’ve got to do more, to achieve more and get moving.

Honestly, I don’t think I’m afraid or worried, it’s just the desire to be better in a place where I think I deserve to be and with the one I want. All I need to do is a little bit of time management and more planning to steer myself away from the wrong path while remaining focused.

(341) – It Does Pay Off!


Well, it’s such a great feeling to be surrounded by like-minded people with whom you don’t need an iota of effort to express your innermost thoughts and feelings simply because we all think in the same way; we all see greatness and live for bigger purposes on the land of the lord, the land that was made for innovation as well as creation.

It’s actually a greater feeling to realize that your efforts have eventually paid off; the long dark nights, the loneliness, the endlessly deep thinking and contemplation times you’ve been experiencing for so long and now it’s all come true, it’s reality.

Last month I graduated from university but it actually didn’t feel like a big achievement to me; I did not like what I was doing there, I did not belong, it’s not my cup of tea and the thing I always dreamed about. However, toady, after joining Toastmasters for the first time in years, I felt that kind of feeling each and every one of us wants to feel; I was grinning from ear to ear, laughing hysterically with friends and spreading compassion. It felt like home, it is the place you need to be in, it is where leaders are made.

Three years ago, when I stood for the very first time before people and was asked to introduce myself, I could not come up with a word other than my name. I had no idea what was going on or why I even was there but deep inside, something told me it is where I need to be. On that specific day, I decided I want to learn English and be able to stand fearlessly, well, and talk freely. It took so much effort, ups and downs but now it’s all a reality I live and wallow in everyday.

A friend approached me today and said “Ahmed, you’ve changed, a lot! Look at you, your language, your attitude, how did you do it?” I was like “what? Me? who are you talking about? it just can’t be me?” but yes, an older guy was talking to me and about me, he was impressed and so were many others, even me, myself! I did let myself to accept the compliments and be proud of what I have done over the years. I may have not excelled at engineering but there are a couple of things I can and will excel at, languages in particular. It brings tears to my eyes…

Today, hope and faith in oneself are restored. And to quote a great speaker who truly inspired us today and gave me this shudder of enjoyment I say “you don’t have to be perfect to be happy, you have to enjoy your imperfection and be happy and that is PERFECT”