I don’t know how to start writing this because I’ve got so much going on on my mind tonight and every night.
I was just watching a movie about a woman who tries to be perfect, a young youthful lady who attempts to avoid growing old while her husband is growing young. Yes, it’s Benjamin Button. Neither one of the two amazing lovers were perfect though everyone was trying to replace each other, that’s only because perfection is the only impossible thing, yes, impossible!
Sometimes I just find myself obsessed with perfection, with right and wrong. I want to be flawless and impeccable. I want to walk the straight, well, the straightest path that fits every time and every place. I don’t want to do something wrong and be corrected or criticized by others. I admit it’s wrong and the moment I’m trying to avoid being wrong, I’m heading toward it but what could I do?!
I don’t really care what I choose for myself, how I live and why. What matters to me most is what I do for others, how much helpful or useless I am, the role I play in others lives. I feel I can take care of myself no matter what while others can’t and that it’s my mission and duty to help them be, to help them survive.
When perfection interferes with my personal life, I don’t even accept perfect, I want more. Let’s say I’d like to buy a car and I don’t have the money to buy the car I always dream and tell my friends about, you know what? I won’t buy any car at all. I’d find an alternative for the whole idea until I make some money and get the car I certainly want.
Last month, one of my uncles moved to a new house and I was looking at his new furniture and questioning his enjoyment because I wouldn’t like to live in such a place and really wondered if there are people who like simple things when there are much enjoyable stuff in the world to do. I wonder how guys my age are having fun buying new mobile phones, new cars and going out with girlfriends when there are more important things to do meanwhile.
I have no idea if it all makes sense to you but that’s apparently a new fear I’m developing and need to confront or it might be some kind of lack of self-confidence but I think I should be focusing more writing on this topic this year.