I can’t believe what kind of power self-confidence has and how much it can affect the body as well as the mind. I always thought I was self-confident and it was only my circumstances that’s stopping me but I have realized very recently that it was such a wrong idea.
I am not happy nor satisfied about almost everything I do. I wake up everyday, do the same routine, dream more then go to bed in the evening. I don’t read, I don’t write, I don’t study, I don’t exercise, I don’t make new friends, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…
The reason of all that is my low self-esteem. Even when I speak, I can’t bring the words out, I have to force it. I don’t usually accept less than perfect and that’s getting me in trouble all the time. Sometimes I think it’s why I failed at engineering because I couldn’t be the perfect one among my colleagues.
A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to prove to myself how confident I am about my passion. I met a new friend from UK and I had this challenge to see if my efforts in learning English are paying off or not. Well, the first meeting was amazing and I couldn’t imagine how good I was especially that he encouraged me. However, my low self-esteem and self-diffidence was obvious because I insisted on telling him that’ i’m learning on my own and he should put up with my bad language.
It’s not bad at all, I was told that several times but it’s just me trying to convince myself i’m still bad, it’s kind of giving myself an excuse and justify my imperfection.
My feelings and moods are all negative ranging from confusion to depression and from desperation to unhappiness. I only feel a little better when I’m listening to music or when I’m with my friends and they’re leading the conversation. I feel like i’m secure and that I don’t have to say anything because they know how I feel and that I can be good when in fact i’m not good anymore.
Writing has always been my source of relief. Nonetheless, the mess has reached it too when I started writing what my followers would like to read and comment on. Yes; I have a couple of bloggers who like my writing style and see it genuine. I try to post what they’d compliment which became more of frustrating than encouraging but again I can’t help it.
All I do is spending more money on the things I love trying to persuade myself I am happy doing what I want but I am not.