(286) – Diffidence

I can’t believe what kind of power self-confidence has and how much it can affect the body as well as the mind. I always thought I was self-confident and it was only my circumstances that’s stopping me but I have realized very recently that it was such a wrong idea.

I am not happy nor satisfied about almost everything I do. I wake up everyday, do the same routine, dream more then go to bed in the evening. I don’t read, I don’t write, I don’t study, I don’t exercise, I don’t make new friends, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…

The reason of all that is my low self-esteem. Even when I speak, I can’t bring the words out, I have to force it. I don’t usually accept less than perfect and that’s getting me in trouble all the time. Sometimes I think it’s why I failed at engineering because I couldn’t be the perfect one among my colleagues.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to prove to myself how confident I am about my passion. I met a new friend from UK and I had this challenge to see if my efforts in learning English are paying off or not. Well, the first meeting was amazing and I couldn’t imagine how good I was especially that he encouraged me. However, my low self-esteem and self-diffidence was obvious because I insisted on telling him that’ i’m learning on my own and he should put up with my bad language.

It’s not bad at all, I was told that several times but it’s just me trying to convince myself i’m still bad, it’s kind of giving myself an excuse and justify my imperfection.

My feelings and moods are all negative ranging from confusion to depression and from desperation to unhappiness. I only feel a little better when I’m listening to music or when I’m with my friends and they’re leading the conversation. I feel like i’m secure and that I don’t have to say anything because they know how I feel and that I can be good when in fact i’m not good anymore.

Writing has always been my source of relief. Nonetheless, the mess has reached it too when I started writing what my followers would like to read and comment on. Yes; I have a couple of bloggers who like my writing style and see it genuine. I try to post what they’d compliment which became more of frustrating than encouraging but again I can’t help it.

All I do is spending more money on the things I love trying to persuade myself I am happy doing what I want but I am not.

2 thoughts on “(286) – Diffidence

  1. Depression and low self esteem are two astonishingly destructive maladies. I know this from experience. I also know it won’t just magically go away on its own. You have to do something about it. I’ve mentioned before how I admire your English usage. Every time I read your posts I feel your knowledge of the language is growing. Stop acquiring “stuff”. There isn’t enough money, or enough “stuff” in the world to make you happy. That can only come from within.

    • What’s killing me most is the lack of people I can trust not that I don’t have friends but that nobody will accept what I got to say that’s why I am trying to be self-motivated yet failing constantly. At times, I break in, it’s beyond my stamina. I experience things and can’t tell anybody nor write it on the blog which makes me unhappy.

      Thank you for the support, Jim. I truly appreciate it. I like to see, talk to you and read your posts. I wanted to contact you today to exchange a few movies because it’s the only way that’s helping me cope with this low self-esteem thing but I did not.

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