(290) – The Experiment


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If I’m not wrong, then we live in an experiment, too. We are given roles and rules, yet cannot discuss the role but play it smartly because it’s short and temporary. The purpose is bigger than us, all we need is to play well, win and move on. It’s not a place to stay in, only a transitional phase preparing for something bigger.

The game we are in is not a 14 day one, maybe a little bit longer. However, it’s still a game with firm decisions to be made.

My little philosophy about life does not appeal to many if not most of the people I know, males or females, young or old. It does not include many question, -though I’m beginning to ask many lately- it has more to do with faith and given facts. Verbal answers are not expected, only if you’re lucky or as I tend to believe, blessed enough, you’d get one through someone.

I don’t want to miss the point of the movie and move to talk about life but it’s worth thinking…

 

(289) – Chasing The Right Things


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It’s said “when you stop chasing the wrong things, you give the right things a chance to catch you”. I think the right things will FIND its way to you once you give up the wrong things.

Though I hate to be uncertain and the most uncertain word is “things” but in this case it’s the right one, I think. Either your dreams, friends, beliefs or even music, there’s always a right thing to follow and pursue.

My thing for the night is music. I always loved music and wanted to try something new. I have always found something interesting about classics and had this fond for old stuff but never thought I’d be a big fan of the 80’s or even the 70’s until I started listening to Mood 92 which is a local radio station that mostly plays the old songs you’d always like to listen to.

Boney M, ABBA, Queen, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, The Beatles, Journey, Foreigner and many more are becoming my favorite. Thanks to my elder friends who did not stop recommending other fabulous songs as well as bands and artists after they knew I now share the affinity for such old school.

It annoys, maybe hurts me sometimes to find that I’m quite different from guys my age it terms of interests, likes and dislikes but everyone’s good at something and that what we should all focus on and nurture. I’d recommend people to always try new things, be open-minded and accept whatever life has to offer. This was said to me one time quite before I had my first sexual experience. I can’t deny I got hurt but I did learn and I am happy today the way I am.

It’s also the same thing with my university; you have no idea how much I detest engineering or even engineers but it’s definitely meant to convey a message and it shall be gone eve rafter.

It’s maybe music now what I’m getting to experience living life with a taste of the old times but it’s helping me effectively coping with current issues and opening my eyes to different aspects and beauty we may have missed as a younger generation.

(288) – This Part Of My Life Is Called… Happyness


This part of my life this part right here this is called happiness

I still remember that moment very clearly when Chris Gardner gets the jobs rushing to the street while holding his hands up to the sky saying “this part of my life is called happyness”.

I get to feel the same 5 times a week this semester. My life begins when I am away from everything’s related to my studying and/or being an engineer. This semester, I have classes two days a week, 9 hours each and a training course at a company -which is part of the curriculum- 3 days a week. I no longer go to my training site because it’s such an endlessly boring place and nobody cares if I go or not but still I have to attend my classes where I get to feel happy, relieved and thrilled by the end of it after spending a whole day engineering! You have no idea how delightful I feel by the end of the day; I run to catch a bus and go back home.

I hate to be reminded of my studying, I hate when I have to study, I hate when I have an exam and hate even more when I get low marks. You have no idea how upsetting it is to me when I have to study. I open the books, stare for a moment and feel miserable… I don’t want to do this, I truly don’t. I’d rather be learning something useful, something has to do with the real world, something I can relate to and love instead of all these mathematical equations and meaningless numbers. Nonetheless, I still have to study and bear with this situation I am in.

I believe there’s a good amount of shit we have to deal with at some point in life and engineering may be my share. I don’t hate being an engineer as much as I do hate wasting the most precious gift I have, time, and that’s why I am struggling to graduate and find better stuff to do.

I will try to focus on writing more in the upcoming days till I graduate, hopefully. I need to dump all this misery on WordPress and vent, it’s bittersweet when you know you have no choice but to do it…

(287) – It Hurts!


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Then, there’s this strange moment when you grab your mobile phone waiting for a text message, a call, a notification or any kind of poke from the one you love. It does not have to be such an eternal love; it might be merely an affection, affinity, a smiley face or a warm heart you once trusted and confided in.

You play the same old songs over and over again attempting to bring back that feeling you once felt; deep, firm and for real. The feeling never shows up, nor do the memories. You go to the same places you used to meet at, repeat the same talk, look at your pictures together but nothing’s relieving as much as his voice.

Every night, you go to sleep and wake up in the morning thinking of him; today he’d apologize and we’ll be able to share the laughter but he never does. You start forgetting about him gradually because your dignity is superior than your love when suddenly, he calls…

“hello”…

You are silent..

“can you hear me? how you been?”

“I been okay”

“I miss you darling”

you need to say how much you miss him,

“thank you”

“I thought I’d say hi and check up on you…”

you again,

“thanks”

He now knows something’s wrong with you; you’re not the same person he used to know but still can’t, maybe doesn’t want to admit…

“okay honey, I’m one phone call away if needed anything”

you are shocked now thinking silently “he’s leaving now, is it over?” you know you won’t poke back…

“okay, have a nice day” and so you end the call.

You’re full of pride now, he’s got what he deserves. “But I miss him” talking to yourself softly. “your dignity is worth it. The world is full of people, don’t lose yourself” an inner voice replies back at you.

He calls back in a few days and you get distracted all over again…

 

 

(286) – Diffidence


I can’t believe what kind of power self-confidence has and how much it can affect the body as well as the mind. I always thought I was self-confident and it was only my circumstances that’s stopping me but I have realized very recently that it was such a wrong idea.

I am not happy nor satisfied about almost everything I do. I wake up everyday, do the same routine, dream more then go to bed in the evening. I don’t read, I don’t write, I don’t study, I don’t exercise, I don’t make new friends, I don’t, I don’t, I don’t…

The reason of all that is my low self-esteem. Even when I speak, I can’t bring the words out, I have to force it. I don’t usually accept less than perfect and that’s getting me in trouble all the time. Sometimes I think it’s why I failed at engineering because I couldn’t be the perfect one among my colleagues.

A couple of weeks ago, I had the opportunity to prove to myself how confident I am about my passion. I met a new friend from UK and I had this challenge to see if my efforts in learning English are paying off or not. Well, the first meeting was amazing and I couldn’t imagine how good I was especially that he encouraged me. However, my low self-esteem and self-diffidence was obvious because I insisted on telling him that’ i’m learning on my own and he should put up with my bad language.

It’s not bad at all, I was told that several times but it’s just me trying to convince myself i’m still bad, it’s kind of giving myself an excuse and justify my imperfection.

My feelings and moods are all negative ranging from confusion to depression and from desperation to unhappiness. I only feel a little better when I’m listening to music or when I’m with my friends and they’re leading the conversation. I feel like i’m secure and that I don’t have to say anything because they know how I feel and that I can be good when in fact i’m not good anymore.

Writing has always been my source of relief. Nonetheless, the mess has reached it too when I started writing what my followers would like to read and comment on. Yes; I have a couple of bloggers who like my writing style and see it genuine. I try to post what they’d compliment which became more of frustrating than encouraging but again I can’t help it.

All I do is spending more money on the things I love trying to persuade myself I am happy doing what I want but I am not.

(285) OH MY MIRROR!


This is a new Arabic song by Elissa, a Lebanese artist. I’ve been listening to the song for a couple of days and it’s really nice. I’ve done my best translating the lyrics to English and hopefully it didn’t lose its beauty. Hope you enjoy!

 

Oh my mirror

How much have I changed in the last few years?

Oh my mirror

How many times have I lost in the last few years?

 

Oh my mirror

You know my story

You know what I’ve seen, what frightens me,

The times I stood in front of you,

Saying “this is my end”

Oh my mirror

I’m fed up with the whole world,

Tired and have no idea what’s going on

Everyday feels like a year

Is it possibly my end?

 

 

Oh my mirror

What have I lost? What have I found? And what do I have left?

Oh my mirror

My heart is truly upset with everything

Oh my mirror

You know my story

I am agitated, irritated and disturbed of treachery

I am weighed down and bored to death

Wounds are leaving scars

Leading to my end

Oh my mirror

You know my story

My heart is broken

I have never been happy

Do tell when my turn is

 

Oh my mirror

How much have I changed in the last few years?

Oh my mirror

How many times have I lost in the last few years?