It just happened to me on the way home after al-fajr (dawn) prayer thinking about the reasons why we should worship Allah and be like He wants us to be.
The ultimate form of justice is when you treat others like they treat you; to be, to act and to react exactly the same with what they do. It’s simply like an eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth. This way, you’re not giving them a bit more or a bit less; everyone gets what they deserve; you reap what you sow. If you’re generous enough, you’d give more chances when they do wrong; you forgive, tolerate and move on and that’s what good people are expected to do.
However, this behavior is based on the divine justice, it’s even a part of it. Allah always gives more chances to let you admit your bad deeds, to let you regret so you repent and promise never to go back to whatever sin you’ve been doing. Allah told us through his prophets to live according to a few simple rules, He explained why, the consequences and what ifs. Once again, our complicated minds failed to comprehend these rules, we got busy discussing the image, the outer shape and forgot to just follow the rules patiently.
What’s killing me is the simplicity of the idea; I can’t stop asking Allah for more success and help. He isn’t answering verbally but he sends me signs to guide me to His justice; I am not the one He wants me to be, why would He be like I want Him to be? Surprisingly enough, many if not most of my questions are being answered with lots of blessings. Sometimes, I don’t get what I want but what I need but due to my imperfection as a human, I’m not satisfied. Then, when I look at other people, I see that I’m truly blessed but I can’t forgive myself for acting badly and being immersed in all these sins. I don’t think I deserve all that I have, so are many of us but we still have it and have plenty of time to regret our sins.
I got to a point where I’m committed to my demons more than any other power in the universe. Nonetheless, there’s still this small light of hope that wouldn’t let me enjoy it even when I want to, it’s what we call a righteous conscience or remorse (they’re the same, I think). I’m afraid of the moment I run out of time, it truly frightens me. I am struggling on the right path, the other one is just fun, to say the least.