(261) – Confession

I really have no idea if i’m true to myself or not because there’s a lot going on inside yet I can’t figure it out. I can’t put it into words, I can’t express it or even write it.

I just tried to hold a pen and write on paper, the first words I typed were the most annoying and disturbing feelings I get so frequently. Honestly, I think it’s a sign because it was random and without thinking.

The words express my sexual fantasies, the thing I fear to admit or to talk about. I am Muslim and in my religion, you’re not allowed to have any sexual relationship other than marriage for many reasons I’d rather not discuss now. The problem is that we live in a sexual world; on the internet, in the streets, at schools, shopping malls and almost everywhere else except mosques and churches.

I truly don’t know how to deal with such a thing; you can’t deny it and even if you try, you’d live miserably avoiding every scene that may arouse your desires. I sleep and wake up everyday thinking about it. People don’t seem to realize what it means to not be able to have any sexual experience before you get married; you hear a lot of comments and everyone keeps saying it’s okay. I don’t want to hear that, I really wish I can find someone to back me up, to support and encourage me.

Well, religions has an offer; you can fast, pray to Allah and always ask for guidance. I’m pretty sure it works like magic but I don’t commit to this because it’s way easier said than done. You need to be very strict to yourself, don’t give yourself a break, don’t say I want to enjoy myself once then get back to what I used to do, you have to keep on the track, the straight path, only.

It’s very challenging; it’s not like any sort of addiction, it’s built-in, it exists deep inside. Every time I see something that sexually attracts me, i’m reminded of all my fantasies, the ones that kill me a thousand times…

Allah is watching over us; He doesn’t agree with this filthy world or the life we’re leading, He doesn’t want us to be blindly driven behind whatever kind of desires humans have. We exist for a higher purpose, to fulfill it then move. The world is not our destiny, it’s just a station we pass by.

I am going through many different feelings, mixed emotions; lost, desperate, confused, lonely, sad, hopeful, determined, stubborn, tempted, seduced… Oh, the list goes on… I know what I’m supposed or have to do yet I’m not following it…

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