(268) – Tomorrow Is A Big Day


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I’m sitting on the pavement and looking at the stars while writing this post. It’s dark, chilly and quiet. The sky is clear, street is empty and wind is blowing.

I can hear a woman calling her daughter to study for tomorrow’s exam which reminds me of why I’m here at this particular moment.

Tomorrow, I have an exam and need to pass it. I’ve been studying hard for a week but still i’m feeling like I should study more. I’m really fed up with the exam, ive done my best but not completely sure of it. Im afraid; I don’t want to get an F because that’d cost me 4 months more at the university. The problem is that everyone’s in my family expecting me to graduate soon. I dont want to fail my mom and dad, they dont deserve it. They’ve never said a word to me regarding my low GPA ,they’re pushing me impatiently to graduate so they can afford to spend a bit of money on themselves. I can’t let them wait again, they dont have to, yet they wouldn’t let me go on my own.

It’s 10 p.m. Time to go to bed, wish me luck, tomorrow is a big day… I shall pass, if Allah wills it.

(267) – Everything Has Its Time


One fact of life I’m pretty sure about is that everything has its time. You don’t get what you want when you’re ready but when you’re well-prepared to have to it, to enjoy it and most importantly, to appreciate it. You may work harder than everyone else, yet, you never get the results you’re expecting or even at the time you want. Well, the reason is relative but I think it’s all meant to come at the right time.

What made me say that is that I’ve been learning English and aiming to speak the language fluently for almost 3 years now. I’ve tried almost every possible effective way to learn more vocabularies and responses. I have listened to thousands of videos and watched hundreds of movies and all without subtitles in order to help my mind recognize the words I read in the dictionary everyday. Besides, I’ve had online conversations with hundreds of native speakers and felt embarrassed so many times chatting with them but still I am committed to my goals.

You have no idea how passionate I am about the language, how interesting and awesome it is to me when I communicate in English either if it’s online or offline. I always try to surround myself with native speakers and meet friends who speaks good English. I’m always alert to learn new phrases; my mobile phone is full of notes written in English; sometimes it’s a new word I heard on the tv or read in a book, an idea of a blog, a technique to practice English more…

The problem is that the ones who don’t want a something or don’t care about something usually get it. One of my cousins is a Marine engineer and works in Abu Dhabi, the entire crew he works with speaks English except him. He’s been in the company for 7 months now yet still can’t speak the language. My uncle lives in New York and works there but he can’t say a word of English. As for me, I’m stuck among people who speak Arabizi which is a combination of Arabic and English only Jordanians know; I mean they use English mistakenly with Arabic at the same time which results in something; yes, something you never understand.

This is not a bother to me anymore, I am not going to stop, I am not going to give up on my passion because I believe everything has its time and my time will come but I hope it doesn’t take long…

(265) – Speaking Of Journeys


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Well, well, well… Is it true? it should be.

I don’t think i’m weirdo or a daydreamer, though I used to but now i’m beginning to understand the fact that nobody should really understand what you have in mind because it’s your own decision, your independent way of thinking.

Admittedly, I can’t actually find friends who relate to my dreams and future plans. I don’t dare to share unless i’m pretty sure we’re on the same page. Even my closest buddies, unfortunately, failed to support me on the way up, they were focusing on personal benefits. It got me to argue with them on different occasions but now I don’t care and just want to stay focused.

My only source of hope is Allah and that the world revolves around none of us. I have a few weak spots but a stronger faith and a determined soul. I’ma make it one day, so are you! It’s SELF-MOTIVATION, they say!

(264) – Longing For A Weekend


It’s funny how I was completely free and thoughtless last week, so suddenly, I can’t find any time to even see my family this week. I have a training course three days a week from 8 am – 5 pm, two days at university for 9 hours everyday and an incomplete exam next week. Plus, I’m reading two books; The Art Of Seduction and another one on the life of our prophet Mohammed PBUH. I’m also trying to keep up with learning English including new phrasal verbs, new vocabulary, speaking and listening exercises.

I can’t deny it’s better sometimes to have a full schedule but I’d rather be doing something more enjoyable, more into my passion for reading and languages. This actually reminds me of how hard I need to work to be the one I want to be, to have a job I love so I never get to work a day in my life.

Today, I’m truly longing for the next weekend. I want to wake up in the morning, stay in bed and think about nothing. Zzz…

 

(263) – Back To School


Today was the first day of a new semester at university. It’s a fresh start, a new beginning I don’t want to miss. I can’t deny i’m feeling worried and stressed out especially that I have an exam next week which I must to pass in order to be able graduate this semester.

I am thinking of all the moments I’ve been through since I was still a freshman. I don’t regret any though it was completely wasted but I insist on looking at the bright side. I need to stay calm, motivated and focused. It’s not going to be easy but still doable.

Please, pray for me and may Allah be always on my side.

(262) – Divine Justice


It just happened to me on the way home after al-fajr (dawn) prayer thinking about the reasons why we should worship Allah and be like He wants us to be.

The ultimate form of justice is when you treat others like they treat you; to be, to act and to react exactly the same with what they do. It’s simply like an eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth. This way, you’re not giving them a bit more or a bit less; everyone gets what they deserve; you reap what you sow. If you’re generous enough, you’d give more chances when they do wrong; you forgive, tolerate and move on and that’s what good people are expected to do.

However, this behavior is based on the divine justice, it’s even a part of it. Allah always gives more chances to let you admit your bad deeds, to let you regret so you repent and promise never to go back to whatever sin you’ve been doing. Allah told us through his prophets to live according to a few simple rules, He explained why, the consequences and what ifs. Once again, our complicated minds failed to comprehend these rules, we got busy discussing the image, the outer shape and forgot to just follow the rules patiently.

What’s killing me is the simplicity of the idea; I can’t stop asking Allah for more success and help. He isn’t answering verbally but he sends me signs to guide me to His justice; I am not the one He wants me to be, why would He be like I want Him to be? Surprisingly enough, many if not most of my questions are being answered with lots of blessings. Sometimes, I don’t get what I want but what I need but due to my imperfection as a human, I’m not satisfied. Then, when I look at other people, I see that I’m truly blessed but I can’t forgive myself for acting badly and being immersed in all these sins. I don’t think I deserve all that I have, so are many of us but we still have it and have plenty of time to regret our sins.

I got to a point where I’m committed to my demons more than any other power in the universe. Nonetheless, there’s still this small light of hope that wouldn’t let me enjoy it even when I want to, it’s what we call a righteous conscience or remorse (they’re the same, I think). I’m afraid of the moment I run out of time, it truly frightens me. I am struggling on the right path, the other one is just fun, to say the least.

(261) – Confession


I really have no idea if i’m true to myself or not because there’s a lot going on inside yet I can’t figure it out. I can’t put it into words, I can’t express it or even write it.

I just tried to hold a pen and write on paper, the first words I typed were the most annoying and disturbing feelings I get so frequently. Honestly, I think it’s a sign because it was random and without thinking.

The words express my sexual fantasies, the thing I fear to admit or to talk about. I am Muslim and in my religion, you’re not allowed to have any sexual relationship other than marriage for many reasons I’d rather not discuss now. The problem is that we live in a sexual world; on the internet, in the streets, at schools, shopping malls and almost everywhere else except mosques and churches.

I truly don’t know how to deal with such a thing; you can’t deny it and even if you try, you’d live miserably avoiding every scene that may arouse your desires. I sleep and wake up everyday thinking about it. People don’t seem to realize what it means to not be able to have any sexual experience before you get married; you hear a lot of comments and everyone keeps saying it’s okay. I don’t want to hear that, I really wish I can find someone to back me up, to support and encourage me.

Well, religions has an offer; you can fast, pray to Allah and always ask for guidance. I’m pretty sure it works like magic but I don’t commit to this because it’s way easier said than done. You need to be very strict to yourself, don’t give yourself a break, don’t say I want to enjoy myself once then get back to what I used to do, you have to keep on the track, the straight path, only.

It’s very challenging; it’s not like any sort of addiction, it’s built-in, it exists deep inside. Every time I see something that sexually attracts me, i’m reminded of all my fantasies, the ones that kill me a thousand times…

Allah is watching over us; He doesn’t agree with this filthy world or the life we’re leading, He doesn’t want us to be blindly driven behind whatever kind of desires humans have. We exist for a higher purpose, to fulfill it then move. The world is not our destiny, it’s just a station we pass by.

I am going through many different feelings, mixed emotions; lost, desperate, confused, lonely, sad, hopeful, determined, stubborn, tempted, seduced… Oh, the list goes on… I know what I’m supposed or have to do yet I’m not following it…

(260) – Till I Collapse


For the umpteenth time, Eminem’s astonishing me with his incredible music. He must be coming from a different planet; I really have no idea how a man can express himself so clearly yet still inspirational.

Personally, the most interesting point about Eminem is the lyrics; the words he uses, he has his own way with words, so very specific and meaningful. Sometimes, I refer back to my dictionary to understand what exactly he means and to say the least, he’s teaching me a lot of words I never heard of before. I feel like he owns these words, nobody else in the world is capable of using such powerful words.

When you listen to any of Eminem’s songs, ALWAYS try to read the lyrics without listening to the music because it’s just an added value while the real beauty is all about his God-given talent with words.

(259) – I Have A Question


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I believe in the life after death and that everyone of us will be asked and judged about everything we have/get through this mortal life either if it’s money, time, health… etc.

My question is: will Allah ask us about our minds? about our intellectual abilities? about the times we didn’t think things over or make the right decision? will Allah ask those lunatics who just want to live without giving it a second thought? will they be burning in hell because they were given something to live with when all they did was to put it aside and act instinctively? what about the ones who know the truth or the right thing yet choose to ignore it? why do people who live according to a principle have to put up with such sick society?

I live in a society that pays thousands for education but spends nothing on manners. They think if you have a university degree then it’s all what it takes to be civilized, modern and successful. People here don’t realize it’s the small things that make a difference; they can’t get that when you throw a paper in the street, you’re littering your country -because you know, it’s just one paper- they’d say. Everyone says “why me?!” the question that I think is stupid to be discussed or even thought of. Everyone think he/she is right and the others are wrong. Everyone keeps preaching all the time yet forgets to criticize themselves.

Man, we put signs on the roads, ads in the newspaper, share pages on Faecbook and raise awareness by all means, the people read and share but nobody understands; we have a problem with understanding and applying what we say. It’s making me sick to my stomach every time I have to say a word of advice but ain’t that what we’re here for?!

 

Allah, Have mercy on us, please!