(180) – Life In Jordan “I”

I was born in Jordan and raised here, there are many different memories about growing up in Jordan; some of them are good but the others have this scare in my childhood. You have to know that I am sincerely thankful for all the memories I had especially the hard ones because they’d contributed effectively in who I am today and how I think. Nonetheless, there comes a point when you’re grown up enough to not accept things just as “meant to be”; you start to question almost everything considering your past, present and future. Well, that’s the point I’ve been thinking about for a quite long time now. I

As a kid, I was born like a blank page; my family, relatives, friends, school, teachers and everything else in my past made me who I am today. I grew up, began to analyze these experiences I’d been through and build up my own perspective of right and wrong, of principles, definitions, values as well.

At the age of 22, the first thing I noticed about life in Jordan is this quality we all as Jordanians have which is “worry”. “worry often gives a small thing a big shadow”, it’s the reason we do nothing, produce nothing, excel at nagging and spread rumors. I came from a humble family; my mom is an Islamic college graduate, my dad has a diploma in electrical engineering (one of the reasons i’m majoring in engineering), my grandpas are illiterate. Mom and dad had a vision, they could imagine their children’s future to be prospect and full of success. Honestly, they’ve done extreme efforts to move us on top of the world but everybody has a limit and my parents’ limit could push us to finish university with no money in the bank. Mom and dad were always worried about us and “what ifs” not because lack of faith but because it’s in our blood. The government won’t let you live peacefully without being threatened. Sometimes, the prices go up and salaries go down, demonstrations and corruption. That’s on the political side. On the social side, people are following you constantly, a step by step. They observe, envy and impede your success. Everything you want to go should be a secret. Trust just doesn’t exist because nobody wishes you luck and wants you to succeed. Whatever dream you make come true better be kept be kept undeclared.

We worry about religion and most of us do what they do pretending to be religious when indeed they are not. We don’t accept others as openly as we pretend to. We follow the regulations that go with our desires, so whenever it comes to our benefit, we just forget and find endless excuses. We worry about relationships, sex, money, the future, the present and even the past. We worry about education, about jobs and about getting paid. The common understanding here is to keep others in check and worried so they don’t plan ahead. (fucking mean policy)

You know what, we do everything we worry about. Even worse, we do everything we pretend not to be.

This “worry thing” has moved to us, the younger generation. I am afraid of getting this to my kids (it might be in genes). I refuse to live with such a fear which becomes a habit by the time. I don’t want to worry though I’m so worried now about getting any F’s this semester.


By the way, I am talking about the majority, the minority just can’t be covered in a blog.

(179) – Write Down Your Fears

the other day while I was listening to a radio show about how to cope with failure, the air host emphasized on writing down you failures or as I like to call it “fears” on a piece of paper and start to behave in an opposite way like for example facing these fears so they no longer remain fears.

well, I’m a sort of people who apparently have too many fears but in a twisted way; I mean every fear of mine has an excuse that’s why I din’t think I have any when indeed I have a lot. However, If you do follow my blog and is aware of my purpose, then you’d clearly know I haven’t posted anything in over a month now though I had multiple plans to go back to writing ASAP. I have time, content and desire for writing but have this fear of success or commitment to my success. Yes, it is a fear and I’m acting so stupidly about it!

Today, I’m going to try to write my fears down and see if that can help me change in any possible way. Here we go:

1- fear of failure. (so dumb of me)

2- fear of getting any F’s this semester. (i’m not doing anything toward this)

3- fear of commitment. (i do not commit)

4- fear of people.

the list goes on but I don’t have time to think of everything!!!