(174) – Desperate!


For new friends, new conversations and new experiences, I am desperate. For new lifestyle, firm beliefs and behaviors, I am longing. Calmness in mind, quietness and relaxation are what I need. A vibrant mind, fruitful thoughts and determination have been my daydream for a long time now; I can’t seem to focus and think clearly. Too many are the distractions in my life, am I the only one? Am I the weird one? Or am I the stupid one? I have no idea!

I knew I had something different but never thought it’d be devastating. I believed it was making me different but I didn’t realize that it was making me someone else until recently. I look at guys in my age and younger, they’re living a completely normal life and progressing with firm steps building a clear future that would only be affected by destiny. on the other side, I am leading a totally different life full of plans that are still vague. Facing too many problems repeatedly makes me think of what I do; is that what my future plans take to happen? Or is it me fooling around? I know failure is the only way to the top but some mistakes are unforgivable.

I keep contemplating others’ successes, would it be my story one day written and published? I don’t know. I am still trying to think rationally, calculate things and take reasonable risks, would it happen? I am determined fighting the most wild needs and challenges, fighting my wild fake needs that are draining me of energy as well as dedication, day in day out.

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8 thoughts on “(174) – Desperate!

  1. Keep a journal of your day– what you do, how long.
    Are you wasting time?
    Are you working?
    Again, your progress and purpose in life is yours alone. Measure yourself against the goals you wish to achieve rather than the progress of others.

    • Every day, I stay at university for long hours, I don’t like it or even my studying there. It’s making me desperate and upset. When i go back home, I try hardly to start doing the thing I love like reading or writing but still reminded of many other things i don’t like. I believe it’s my problem but actually I still need help and encouragement to keep going; nobody is supporting me, I am my own cheerer. WordPress is my only space to dump all my issues on.

      As for your advice, I truly appreciate it and will do my best to keep a journal and try to measure how far I go toward my goals and dreams.

      Thank you so much for the kind words, you made my day!

    • I don’t mean to follow other’s paths but when you start alongside others, you see them progressing while you’re remaining where you are, that’s the problem. I know it’s wrong, I believe I should “measure” myself to my goals, the problem again is that WordPress is my only space to vent my despair on. Thanks for your comment, truly appreciated.

  2. It is completely normal to feel confused and to feel as if everyone else has it figured out. The best way to peace is to let go of all expectations on outcomes and on how you think your life should be. Do your best, seize every opportunity and let God show you the best path for you.

    • what a wonderful comment. I know my answer is too late but life has been treating me badly. Your journey inspires me, I am so looking forward to read your recent posts and get to know what you up to. All respect, Your Light Bag! 🙂

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