(176) – Turn Over A New Page


Last month I was sick, truly sick, though it was very enlightening and revealing; it opened my eyes to too many things I used to ignore and take for granted. I’ve discovered that I was chasing many wrong things and pursued the wrong path. Contemplation and deep thinking made me realize who I want to be and why. It made me realize why and how I should live. I always believed in priorities and what should come first but only faith could lead me to such a belief and made it possible.

Last month, I was truly hurt, I needed the space, a free mind to think of what got me here. I knew I was sinful and unhappy but the beauty of sin is that you can’t resist it unless something bigger occurs, that was my sickness. i needed to write, to speak up and express these dark thoughts I had but the words never helped me. Even when it came to reading, I couldn’t read anything, either books or blogs. To say the least, that was depressing because I love both writing and reading but it’s okay now.

I am twenty posts behind today, maybe more, so I am going to post two blogs for the next two weeks, read more and discover more in an attempt to catch up the train.

(175) – Mirror


 

Do you recognize that guy staring at you in the mirror? Have you ever met or bumped into him in the street? Do you know what his eyes hold behind this strange look? Can you decide if he’s happy or not?

I don’t and I can’t. I feel like I’ve known these eye for long enough but they’ve changed so much since I last looked at the same exact face in the mirror. Something strange happened, I can’t guess what or why, it’s unclear. I look at myself and don’t know if I’m happy or not, if I’m still that true person I was one day.

I remember when I was just a kid; things were different and I was different too. I used to think that life would take me directly from point A to B at the same pace. Suddenly, I grew up and newborn guys took my childhood, they grew up too and I discovered I’m not that lovely kid anymore. I realized it’s my turn to face these challenges and make history, it’s my turn to lead or spend a lifetime living a miserable aimless life.

There are many paths to be pursued; if you chose the wrong one, the easiest and enjoyable one, you’d eventually not recognize that person in the mirror. But, if you chose the hard one, the one full with hardships and conflicts, eventually you’d be happy and satisfied. You’d also get grey hair, sophisticated soul and unbeatable determination.

Well, that sounds like fun, like victory. But thinking of the years to be spent fighting is not as easy. Ohh, I can see pain and tears in those eyes, I can see a defeated person who’s still trying hard and pushing himself to the limit, someone desperate, misled, sad, yet so very stubborn.

Definitely, there is a reason. I am not sad but I have limits. Sometimes, things look so bad but you never know what Allah holds for us.

(174) – Desperate!


For new friends, new conversations and new experiences, I am desperate. For new lifestyle, firm beliefs and behaviors, I am longing. Calmness in mind, quietness and relaxation are what I need. A vibrant mind, fruitful thoughts and determination have been my daydream for a long time now; I can’t seem to focus and think clearly. Too many are the distractions in my life, am I the only one? Am I the weird one? Or am I the stupid one? I have no idea!

I knew I had something different but never thought it’d be devastating. I believed it was making me different but I didn’t realize that it was making me someone else until recently. I look at guys in my age and younger, they’re living a completely normal life and progressing with firm steps building a clear future that would only be affected by destiny. on the other side, I am leading a totally different life full of plans that are still vague. Facing too many problems repeatedly makes me think of what I do; is that what my future plans take to happen? Or is it me fooling around? I know failure is the only way to the top but some mistakes are unforgivable.

I keep contemplating others’ successes, would it be my story one day written and published? I don’t know. I am still trying to think rationally, calculate things and take reasonable risks, would it happen? I am determined fighting the most wild needs and challenges, fighting my wild fake needs that are draining me of energy as well as dedication, day in day out.

(172) – HOPE & FAITH


“Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.”

–Khalil Gibran–

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”

–Martin Luther King, Jr.–

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all.”

–Emily Dickinson–

“A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success.”

–Elbert Hubbard–

“We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.”

–Aristotle Onassis–

Some define hope as the feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. While faith is defined according to Google as the complete trust and confidence is someone or something, also, a strong belief.

We need hope in our lives, we also need faith. We long for hope when we are in despair, yet faith follows when life is tougher and nights are darker. For the past three weeks, I was sick, sometimes I felt better, sometimes worse but there was only one thing in common, I didn’t feel well all the time. I’ve seen many doctors and was diagnosed several times with almost the same thing but still I couldn’t rest and sleep tight. There was something painful, stressful and annoying in the back of my head. I was struggling with my feelings, my family thought I was giving up hope and weak but in fact, I was truly hurt and trying to be hopeful.

Well, hope helped my stubbornness to get better but only faith made me feel better. I was hopeful which means I wanted to be better and feel better but that “Want” needed something true and strong to be a reality. My “want” was very desperate to be encouraged and guided by a strong desire that knows no limits.

after every visit to the doctor, I felt hopeful; taking my meds somehow was giving me hope but it’s all useless compared to faith and the blossoms of faith. At some point, I decided I didn’t want to take anything else or visit any doctors. Nothing at all was helping me, nothing could calm down this weird curiosity in my heart or even control this fire of doubt that I might have had cancer or something terrible but faith. I stood before Allah silently for seconds, minutes and hours, then read in his book, tried to feel the words flowing in my blood; from the heart to the mind and to every single cell in my blood.

The answer didn’t come verbally but it was felt in the heart. The comfort, beauty and rest were noticeable on my face but nobody knew why. My mom thought it was the medications but it was not. My dad was so proud of the doctor who diagnosed me and gave me the medications but it was not the doctor’s virtue. It was Allah, it was faith in Allah!

I don’t mean to underestimate the power of hope but hope is worldly while faith is divine. We want hope in our life but need faith to follow the Straight Path.

(171) – God’s Policy


I have learned that God delays but never forgets. God always gives us more chances then final judgment is made though he knows our true intentions beforehand. In life the lesson is repeated till it’s learned and that insists on God’s policy I think. God tests us several times in different ways, he wants us to be better and follow the right path, that’s why challenges and hardships often find its way easily to us.

I am not sad for being sick today, I am not regretful or angry. I am grateful and so very thankful for God; he remembered me and wanted to prove to me that I should and can be a better person following his righteous path. Thank you Allah, thank you for everything I have. I promise to be a better person from now on, I am working very hard, you know that!