(160) – Upset/Confused

Honestly, I had to do a short research on the title before I posted it, I wanted to get the word that describes my feeling precisely. Upset is the word, it means a state of being unhappy, disappointed and worried. Then comes the second feeling which is confusion, yes, confusion with a meaning of being unable to think clearly; bewildered.

Tonight, I had the opportunity to figure out why my left hand has been shaking since last week, it’s psychological. Apparently, I’m kind of sensitive and can’t seem to bear pressure especially when it hits my heart. I am always willing to give up bad people and habits but the problem comes when the heart says no and the mind orders yes; it’s such a messed up situation. Your heart is being sympathetic and mind is being decisive, which one to listen to? I’m completely lost!

Most of us tend to give a second chance, few of us give a third chance but only the insane gives more and that is clearly, me. A second chance is always intended to clarify the misconception, to give the others their space so they can understand what’s wrong and apologize. However, when they realize the problem but never change anything, what’s the point of more chances then?!

Some words come out in the wrong context sometimes, they still could be taken back but you never do. A loving heart can only bear one person at a time; if you leave it, you’ll never be welcomed there again. I was always tolerant, a giver never a receiver, a lover never a hater and a loyal never a traitor. You haven’t looked at my heart, or you might have done but what I’m pretty sure of is that you took me for granted and no matter how hard I tried to forget and forgive, you repeat the same mistake over and over again.

I don’t know what to say or do, should I leave you alone and put you in the 3rd place, the same exact priority you have me in? After you’ve been my priority now I’m your option, impressive! Or should I exploit you, underestimate and hurt you? is that what you want? should I screw you up and take revenge for my dignity and loyalty?

I can’t imagine why we’re here. After all I’ve done to let this thing survive, you come and use me to amuse your weekends, you just want somebody to accompany you, have dinner then go home.

I was waiting for a no return point where I could pick up myself and move on, don’t think that it’ll be easy to do so but if you want it, then you have it. I can’t compromise my health to make you happy, I can’t swallow my pride and let you win my heart, leaving me lonely in pain. I am so sorry for saying such a thing, but you don’t deserve what I gave you. Screw you!

2 thoughts on “(160) – Upset/Confused

  1. Awhh… I hope you are okay dearest one..
    Seems like you are going through some bad times. Sending much love and light to you and praying that your heart may soon be filled with lots of love, Light and happiness inshaAllah ameen.

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