I’ve started this blog one hundred and two days ago attempting to make use of all the time I’m going to go through until I graduate. I’ve decided to take advantage of everyday as much as I can but to think there’s still roughly one year until I graduate is really disappointing and depressing. Even worse, if I got more than one F this semester, I’d have to wait four months more to my graduation. That really makes me confused and frustrated all the time, I cannot stop thinking about the future and what would’ve happened had I avoided all this decision of engineering.
I was unaware of my decisions when I was 18. I got relatively good grades that could get me into engineering faculty. From the first day, I didn’t see myself as an engineer; I was never passionate about it or what I’d be one day. My goal was not to make lots of money and be famous, all I wanted was to do something real and be satisfied with my accomplishments. Nonetheless, I used to think (maybe didn’t think at all) the days will pass and I’ll graduate eventually. I used to think of it as a straight line but never considered that I’d end up lonely at university with all my friends graduated except me, struggling to get straight D’s (I’m not getting any by the way).
Today, it’s my fifth year at university; I’m feeling very miserable and devastated. It was something I didn’t want or ask for unlike some dudes I know through these five years; they wanted to be engineers and be awarded the nickname, that doesn’t mean they know what they are doing; they just wanted to be engineers for whatever reason.
Last year, I told my family I want to depart from engineering and start studying something I feel passionate about. Well, that was the most shocking thing they ever heard; my mom started crying hysterically and my dad called me with a very strange voice, I felt he was going to get a heart attack and fall dead. Our house messed up and my brothers were all shocked. That moment, after I had a long conversation with my dad’s friend, I decided to get the engineering degree then do what I want, pursue my passions. The problem is that it’s always easier said than done!!!!!!
I have no idea at all what God holds for me up in the sky; more misfortunes or more blessings. I am lost, literally. I don’t know what to do, how to spend this year at university and how to make the best of it; what if I got to spend more than one year at the same damned place? What if nothing worked out after I graduate and I couldn’t pursue my own desired path? What if? What if? What if? Why? Why? Why?