(032) – I Don’t See Myself As an Engineer

After I finished high school, my GPA wasn’t high enough to let me major in Medicine or Pharmacy and I wasn’t aware about my passion so I thought engineering would be my best choice. Also, my family persuaded me and suddenly it happened.

I’ve never seen myself becoming an engineer even when I was still young. I always loved chemistry but I ended up studying pure physics. My struggle with engineering started in the 2nd year of university, I couldn’t find myself attracted to anything I learn, nothing made sense. All my grades are D’s or C’s. I only have one A, it’s English 101. In the 4th year, I told my family I don’t want to finish, I just want to avoid the continues losses and move to another sector. Too many fights happened and we agreed that I should finish this year and a half, get my BA in Mechanical Engineering then pursue my passion.

Here comes the problem, I count this period day by day, every day goes, I tell myself it’s not going to be back. I’m trying to study hard and get high marks but it’s not that easy. The situation at university really sucks; my old friends graduated which obligates me to make new ones but I cannot. My doctors are really bad and uneducated; they repeat the same shit every lecture and I have to put up with it. More importantly, engineering in general doesn’t appeal to me; I don’t like it. I’m trying to convince myself it’s only one year and a half but it seems to be very slow!

My university isn’t my comfort zone which makes it even more challenging because it’s where the magic should happen. Every day I go to university, I cannot wait until I get to the bus and go back home, it’s awful.

When it comes to my study, I don’t understand what I learn because I don’t want to. I spend hours turning pages and not in a mood to read any word. Yet, when I start reading a book I like, I feel hopeful and optimistic. Everything changes and I become happier.

I don’t see myself as an engineer but I have to be one. The only motive keeps me going is regret; I don’t want to regret my laziness in the future. I’ll have to endure loneliness and live by it until I graduate. I’ll have to succeed by the hook or by the crook.


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