(015) – UNLOADING!

Enthusiastic in the morning, lazy in the evening. Leader but act like a follower. Thoughtful but tend to be depending. Motivational, yet needs motivation.

The issue of contradictions is not new. I’m full of opposite qualities. I have certain qualities but act in the other way round. I provide my friends with unlimited solutions to solve their problems but can’t just apply what I preach and use it for my good. I always comment on what my brothers do but end up asked why I don’t do it myself.

At some point, I thought I wanted someone to talk to, someone who’s like me and have my own personality. Suddenly, I met many and talked too much. They all said the same thing but I didn’t take any initiation to change or alter my policy. On the contrary, I had exploited that for my own benefit instead of growth and pleased myself.

Honestly speaking, I’m not neither a lunatic nor insane. I’m sensible and conscious, I know what I do and say, I just don’t apply. I let go of my needs every time they begin to hit. I let my imagination run riot and draw a simpler picture of happiness in my head. I swear I know it’s merely illusion and if you ask me, I’d never answer why. It’s the kind of stupidity I can’t figure out. I eagerly want to become one successful blogger and writer but don’t work hard enough. Also, I need to graduate this year but still I didn’t study anything since the beginning of this semester.

What am I waiting for? What kind of troubles I want to move on and just start? It’s all answered questions in my head which I constantly use to justify my looseness.

This article is just another postponing excuse to explain my failure and frustration. I shouldn’t be writing this today because I really have better stuff to write about but I am feeling unbelievably remorseful and want something to help me forget and to be honest, it does.

Some say it’s only a short period then you’ll be back to your consciousness. I admittedly say, it’s been 4 years now since I’ve discovered the contradictions in my personality and I’m still wasting my weeks frequently. Today, I’m so reminded of my latest friend, Joe Green, he had similar circumstances and ended up in the same place. Big ambitions and dreams but no achievements to be mentioned. I am not him even if it sounds so. We apparently have much in common but I’ll never let myself go in that direction and as the song goes “you could beat the world, you could beat the war, you could talk to God go banging on his door”


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