(027) – God, May I Ask You WHY?


Oh God, you must know very well how much I love you and believe in you and your destiny. I know all the words somebody might say about you, I know you love me and want the best for me. I am pretty sure you want me to be better and achieve more; I really know you don’t send me tests but to help me out and be the one I always wanted to be.

But God, it’s killing me; I’m upset, sad and lonely. Although I know the answer, I know it very well but still I need to ask why! I have too many “why’s” for which I need a verbal answer. It’s not polite nor right to ask you why, yet I just cannot keep it inside, it’s beating the hell out of me; I’m confused, I’m lost I’m burning and dying a thousand times everyday facing my unanswered questions, I am hopeless without you, give me an answer, provide me with a solution.

 God, I don’t dare to ask you why, I will never be impolite taking to you, so please help me. I cannot bear this anymore, I’m broken-hearted; I gave off the most invaluable thing to my heart. I knew from the very beginning it’d hurt me very much, I’m trying to coexist, trying to compromise but it still hurt. The old days, laughter, smiles, good times, I cannot forget, I just cannot. Help me, please!!! I’m hopeless without you, I’m poor and submissive, I don’t want to go against your laws because I love you and believe that you have much interesting things for me.

You are the only one knows about my sacrifice, give me patience, help me out, I’m truly stuck and cannot seem to help myself. I promise to be good and straight. Don’ test me with those I love, they are very few and every one of them is just in the right place. (tears…)

(026) – Untitled!


Sitting behind the keyboard frustrated, confused, upset, lost and uninspired. None of these feelings is paying off. I’ve been doing many things I hate during the day, I didn’t study my exam, I didn’t do anything good trying to boost/push myself to the edge in order to feel at risk and wake up but nothing’s working out today. Also, I saw a friend of mine, chatted with another pen-friend, listened to music, had a heavy dinner, slept for a couple of hours but still am having a very low self-esteem today.

A self-made man is never to be messed with. I’m going to be that man and going to get busy living. The kind of conflicts we confront everyday is changeable, so adaptability and stubbornness as I told you before is what we need. My problem apparently is that I don’t push forward hard enough which forces me to adopt a new policy concentrates on me.

I’m going to start doing it; the best way to get your things done is to begin as soon as you get the idea. Don’t respond to your heart; follow your mind and passion. You’ll absolutely feel depressed and upset, ignore it and continue, take a deep breath or get away from yourself.

It’s Oct 31st, 2013, I’m dedicating myself to success and PROMISE to commit; this life truly sucks and I don’t want to be drifted behind it. 

(025) – A Writer’s Block!


I am supposed to be talking about intelligent conversations today but my mind is blocked well at the moment. I wrote around three paragraphs but couldn’t finish the whole article, words just don’t seem to be flowing tonight, and I have no idea why.

Instead of forcing words and filling a blank page with unlinked ideas, I’ve decided to have a dinner then go to bed, so here’s a goodnight wish from me. Looking forward to a better tomorrow full of flowing words… sweet dreams all.

(024) – Are You Stubborn Enough?


Constant defeats and obstacles are frustrating. The moment we solve a problem, we get engaged in too many other problems, it’s very confusing and really hits on my nerves. I’ve had many dreams, some came true and the left remained dreams. Moreover, I’ve wanted to be successful and a real man like those I see in the movies, I’m not actually and it seems pretty hard to be successful but I won’t give up, it’s the least I can do.

“You’ve got a dream; you gotta protect it, period”

That was Will Smith in The Pursuit Of HappYness, one of the greatest movies ever, he wanted to do it for his life and his son. The world stood in his way and he did walk over it, he smashed all walls into earth and became the man he always wanted to be. I’m not saying it was easy but it was not impossible either.

What kind of excuses do you have to stop and say it’s not working? I have no idea how some people can accept the defeat, how they can go back and never try again? Every one of us has his share of problems, if we got used to saying NO, we’d end up in a miserable situation. Be stubborn enough to create your own destination and future, it works out if only you give it a little bit of stubbornness. All’s fair in love and war, and life’s a war. The most dangerous weapon is allowed and usable, it’s the mind power, exploit it effectively and productively.

(023) – Educational Facts


Tomorrow I have two first exams; I’m studying very hard trying to get full marks. Our lecturers and doctors have told us the exams are not going to be easy, we’ll need to think creatively and deeply because we are engineers and as an engineer, you have to be smart enough.

Well, we are supposed to be engineers but unfortunately we are not; we have never learned how to be creative, how o think rationally and use our minds effectively. Since the elementary school we were taught to be only listeners, we never spoke up or expressed our opinions. That is our schools and that’s why we are ignorant. You go to the university only because it’s important to have a university degree but no any sense of why. We study hard to make good money, not because it assures our prosperity and makes us grown ups.

In universities, it’s even worse; we get to solve a problem in physics or math only because it’s solved like this. We memorize our lessons and study repeated problems. Understanding doesn’t have a place in the learning process. The educational system, methods, labs, books and materials are all old-fashioned and should be exchanged with newer information. For example, in my 5th year, I’m still studying about the present simple and present past in the English course. It’s very sad. Even worse, too many students still cannot use any of the tenses correctly.

Things are getting worse every day, we have got to this point because we don’t care about anything but our basic needs that include food and sex. Universities really suck in Jordan, the situation is unbearable and all they want is more money.

Today, I pray for God to help me out, to teach me and make me the person I always wanted to be, a successful and sensible one, Amen.

(022) – A State of Unconsciousness


I sin, you sin, they sin, and we all sin. Sin is very normal but repeated sin is considered a problem. My sins have traditions; every time I sin, I take a bath meditating my situation under the hot water, I feel guilty and remorseful, yet an evil smile tries to thread its way to my face. I usually resist and hide it but it’s just a smile at the end of the day. The sin itself should be resisted but not the smile that follows.

Then, I go to sit by the window, counting the apparent stars and trying to talk to God. Meanwhile, I know I’m sinful and wrong, it’s not my first time, so I’d rather be polite and still instead of complaining. I pray for God, call him submissively to be with me when I feel weak. The night ends up with a new beginning that’s come usual now.

The other day, the devil ignites my imagination, my good side is very weak when it comes to seduction and we are back to square one.

When I’m done, a state of unconsciousness is felt, destructive thoughts come in, plans fall through, objectives vanish and my day turns into a very bad one.

Every one of us has weak spots, they’re usually a source of sin I’d guess. The question is how many times do we have to go on a new beginning that lasts only for less than a day? I know it’d be good to regret your sins but then what? Would I live like this forever? Can’t I live away from sins and be a good worshiper?

I have many dreams, my sins keep me distracted and confused all the time. No matter how hard I try to resist, they know me well apparently. What should I do? I wanna live, I wanna achieve!

(021) – Trees Give Off Wi-Fi?!


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The other day, I found this photo on the web, I don’t know who designed it but the idea is astounding and is worth it to be imagined. First of all, trees would be everywhere; I mean every empty small space. Streets would be greener than jungles. Malls and skyscrapers would be green buildings only to let trees grow inside. Every young boy or girl would take care of their garden and plant many trees either at school, street or anywhere else they like to be in. Too many of us would at least grow one tree. Internet geeks would have large green yards and take good care of the trees more than their laptops and smart phones. Simply, the world wouldn’t look blue from the space but green, green and green.

Unfortunately, trees only produce oxygen which is less important than Wi-Fi (sarcasm). I like to leave my home area and go to a remote place every weekend to breathe fresh air. My friend and I drive around 50 km outside the city to reach our location and enjoy the quietness away from all kinds of pollution.

In general, people would love to breathe fresh air and lead a healthy lifestyle but nobody would bother him/herself to create this ideal city that has no pollution. On my way to university, I move from my city to another one, my destination point is lower than my living area which gives me to see air pollution first hand. A large gray more to black cloud over the other city, you barely see the horizon because it covers a very huge area. Nonetheless, nobody wants to take the initiation and plant a tree, at least one tree, yet they all complain about the weather saying it’s hot all year round and trees cannot grow here.

As an engineer, we are interested about Greenpeace and renewable energy. We try to raise awareness and tell the society about the importance of trees. However, our neighbors in the same building have a back yard, it has few small trees and no one takes care of it because they live abroad and rarely come here. I wanted to do good and make use of this small area. Last April, I cultivated the garden, started to water the trees constantly and take real good care of the back yard. To be specific, it took me one month only to get what you see (before & after). I was really happy about the result and didn’t expect it to be like this in a month. I used to sit by the trees for an hour every single day thinking of better ideas to make it look like a piece of heaven. Words weren’t enough to describe my feelings especially that our old house was in a very bad condition and I never had this opportunity to show my fondness for trees and gardening.

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Two months later, the owners came in, the water bill was pretty high and I changed the position of one tree, so they wanted me to stop what I do ignoring all my effort and desire. They covered all the garden walls with iron cage and closed it well.

I gave up on this garden but went to another project; details will be shared in another post.

The message I want to deliver is that the world’s in balance. We sabotage the environment; we threaten the nature as well as the universe. Global warming is our fault and hybrids aren’t the solution. Stop cutting trees and we’ll never have to make hybrid cars. If every one of us planted one tree, the problem would be over in a year. Think of it in terms of Wi-Fi signals and you’ll see the difference.

P.S. Here are more photos I’ve taken back then.

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(019) – WARNING! Time’s Passing!


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“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…?” — C.S. Lewis —

 

This semester, I go to the university every day. I leave my home at 7.30 in the morning. I walk for 5 minutes to get my bus, sometimes; I have to wait for it. Day after day, I meet the same faces; kids are going to their schools, men and women are going to work and so on. If you take a look at anyone’s face in the early morning, you get to know how they feel and how happy their lives are. As the quote means, I don’t feel any difference each day but after a certain period of time, one year let’s say or maybe less, it becomes noticeable and obvious. You begin to know the effects of being uncomfortable on your fellow’s face. Also, the fact of being unhappy or unsatisfied even at your work, university or school makes things worse.

My dad goes to work very early and comes back home after 10 hours roughly. He’s so tired and exhausted; his work is taking so much of his thinking and he’s not in a mood to discuss our family’s issues. I know he’s working hard to build a better future for us, he’s doing his best but at the same time, his absence really makes a difference. Perhaps, it doesn’t affect me or my family but it does affect him, his health and dreams.

I don’t know how it feels to be a father and have kids but as Miley Cyrus says” I don’t wanna live a life running for my life”. Years slide by like minutes; look back 5 years ago, you’d see yourself with much more dreams and ambitions but you got lost in them.

It’s very good to plan for a prosper future, no financial issues, no hard work and exhaustion but it’s also good to live your day with your family. Even if you don’t have a family, live it for yourself, learn more, achieve more. Every one of us has got approximately 70 years; don’t let them control you, take the lead and have control on your day in order to have control on your lifetime.

I’ve got the opportunity to talk to many old men and women, they have a mutual wish that cannot come true in a million years, it’s age; most of them have a strange kind of fondness for younger individuals. They wish they can come back in time for only a year, they have lately realized that time passes quickly and they’ve lost their enthusiasm even though the will still exists.

Today, we have time, plenty of it. Work should have only a tiny share of our time. Bring up your kids, be with them, give then love, support and care, they don’t necessary need more money. However, take time for yourself, take care of yourself. Life should be balanced, nothing less nothing more.

(018) – It’s Called “SHOWMANSHIP”


 “The better you feel about yourself, the less you feel the need to show off.”  — Robert Hand —

“We need arrogant people who like showing off.

They can cover us from bullets in the line of fire.” — Toba Beta — 

“You know you made it, when your friends tell their friends that you are their friend.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana —

People are full of content; if you look consciously enough; you’ll never run out of writing material. Having a very normal conversation with a friend of mine made me think about the meaning of “show off” or “showmanship”. I think these two words are very close and related to each other, I understand the meaning clearly but had to surf the web to get a detailed definition. A “show off” is a man who has a flair for dramatic or ostentatious behavior. More, he is a person SKILLED at presenting anything in a negatively and deliberately effective manner.

Why would someone have to show off? Perhaps, he’s got something nice to talk about but I’m probably not interested, it’s worth it if you take a second before you start speaking. Why do I have to hear you talking about your dad’s Merc or their house in the fancy suburbs? (I don’t care, really my dad has a 1974 Daihatsu, would you like to know about it? It’s reliable). What’s more, when a girl begins to mention her makeup and clothes brands. (Trust me; I don’t know any of what you are talking about)

So far, it’s up to an extent still acceptable but to tell me about your uncles and aunts, about your far relatives, their cars or any shitty thing they’ve bought recently. How is that supposed to help me in my life? It’s not going to add any value, feel me, I beg you.

Deeply thinking, I’ve found out this kind of people are usually losers and have the ability to let go of their tongues before their brain cells. They don’t dare and think, they believe it’s a sin to use what’s in between their shoulders. Leisure is the hidden secret behind these empty minds which reminds me of the idiom I’d guess that says “only the empty can that rattles”.

Moreover, the irony of it is the way these individuals look at you; I mean I’m not a kind of guy who likes to interrupt a speaker so I give them the space and listen. Funnily enough, I get considered an idiot or a maniac thinking I believed him and he’s subtle which is what they want, slickness or as they define it, it’s smartness.

Mockery is not smart, it cannot fulfill your lack for success nor can it compensate for your wasted life. You only do it when others talk about you and your deeds not when you show them off. I have a brain and I use it or at least try to use it and mull things over, if you think I’m a jerk, then let time tell the truth and be the judge.